i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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