I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
