If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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