It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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