saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
