we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
