ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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