Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
