watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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