someone threw a dead crab at me
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
