I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
