Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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