My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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