a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
