I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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