I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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