you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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