well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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