Someone shit on the floor
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
we're so committed to being not committed
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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