Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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