i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You pole danced in your parka.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
