Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
