Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
there is puke in my bra ... again
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