"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
