i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
