I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
