I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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