He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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