No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
