at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
