dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
