You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
