I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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