Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
