I feel like I'm in dance class right now
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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