maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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