remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
