The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
