Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
