You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
