If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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