can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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