I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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