I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
