omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
