Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
