My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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