the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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