My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
