There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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